Back in the Day with Beverly Silverman

Our first female general manager on her friendship with Fritz Perls and ushering in her brand of equality: “I realized how much power men seemed to have. Or, more accurately, how much of my own power I had been giving away. I learned to tap into my own power and speak up without hesitation.” Beverly Silverman takes us back to Esalen’s early days for a story of personal discovery and growth.

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I had never heard of Esalen Institute. I had never seen a naked man other than my husband. I had never been in therapy. Julian, my then-husband, was a psychologist and had been in therapy with a psychiatrist.  

Most people went to Esalen because they wanted to. I was there because I followed Julian. In 1967, Julian met Dick Price, and they became good friends. Dick then invited Julian to get involved at Esalen. So, we left our suburban home in Monte Sereno in 1968 and drove down the coast to Esalen with our three kids in our wood-paneled Ford station wagon. First, we lived in a trailer at the edge of the garden, and then we moved to the middle point house with the kids living in a tent on the back deck. We eventually built a home half a mile up the road.  

Since I was not working at the time, I began to take all kinds of workshops. Initially, it was all foreign to me. Then it started to sink in. There's nothing real about me! What am I doing here? Who am I? What’s it all about? Well, why don't I just off myself because there's nothing real in me? And then I thought, I’ve got three kids, and I don't want my kids to have to grow up without a mother. So I started from zero.  

Fritz Perls was my first teacher. He was the one who knocked me down the first time to the place of “Oh my God, who am I?” Up until then, I was a classic suburban housewife. I was the woman in the background, behind her man. 

My first Fritz workshop was with Julian, Dick, and a team from Agnews State Hospital. Since it was my first time in a workshop, I didn’t know what the hell was going on. The workshop started with an awkward silence,  and no one was volunteering for Fritz’s Hot Seat. My own awkwardness  prompted me to volunteer, so I got up and sat on the chair. After a long  pause, Fritz turned toward me and said, “What are you doing here?” I didn’t know how to respond, so I said, “I bite my nails, and I would like to stop.” I was trying to be the good student. Fritz looked at me in disbelief and said, “Get off the chair.” I froze, and then slowly peeled myself off  the chair feeling horribly embarrassed.  

A few days later, Teddy Lyons, Fritz’s secretary at the time, was having a  birthday party in one of the trailers. Julian was invited, and since we were tied together at the time, I went too. And, of course, Fritz was there. I found myself sitting next to Fritz and eventually hesitantly said, “Fritz, since working with you, I haven’t bitten my nails.” He looked at me, took a  puff of his cigarette, blew out the smoke and said, “So who are you biting  now?” That shut me up for a while. Later on, in time, surprisingly, we  became friends. He helped me a great deal.  

My next great influence was Ida Rolf. Initially, prior to meeting her, I  couldn’t understand Rolfing, as it looked like a painful, almost sadistic,  experience. But then, I met Ida, and I was very impressed by her. I became  one of the models in Ida’s class, and ultimately became a student. Learning about the body and its relationship to the gravitational field and witnessing  the profound changes in myself and others led the way for Rolfing to  become my life’s work. Fifty-four years later, I am still a practicing Rolfer.  

In time, Julian and I started offering our own gestalt workshops together.  We led sessions for couples. At that time, there were only hetero male and female couples coming to the workshops. One day, I was facilitating a Gestalt exercise and decided to have the couples swap roles. The man role-played the woman, and the woman role-played the man. Julian and I  participated with the group. When I became Julian, I found myself  speaking with strength and without hesitation. Usually, when I was being  myself, I would hesitate, second guess myself, and think, “Should I say this,  or should I say that? Or should I keep my mouth shut?” This exercise had a  profound effect on me personally. I realized through this exercise how  much power men seemed to have. Or, more accurately, how much of my own power I had been giving away. Over time, through this process, I learned to tap into my own power and speak up without hesitation.

I had never taken LSD or smoked pot, but I did both at Esalen. LSD opened doors for me. Each time I took acid, I'd bring back one little thing, something that made sense to me. I learned a lot. Many substances were  floating around in those days. We'd go to somebody’s staff unit and listen  to music and smoke pot. We had no radio, no television, and no telephones. We were a little island.  

In 1978, when I became General Manager for a short time, I tried to do it my way, which was, “We're all in this together!” I was a socialist at heart. I believed everybody to be equal, and I wanted everybody to have the same salary. I loved the idea, in theory, of people making the same income. I was pretty naive. It was a really idyllic way of thinking.  

There are many other stories I could tell. So much happened during my  time at Esalen — many highs, some lows, falling forward, falling backwards,  divorce, wild midlife adventures. And then I moved to France for 25 years, where I Rolfed and led Gestalt workshops. I wanted to find out if  what I learned at Esalen could work in the outside world. I found out that  it does!  

There was a long stretch of time when my family — my three kids, and  myself — were spread out across the globe. Eric was in California, Gayle was in Italy, Jill was in New York City, and I was in France, all living our lives. Now, present day, we are all living in Santa Cruz, and really enjoying being a family.  

My years at Esalen were so essential to who I am now. It changed my life.