Enhancing Love: From Role Mate to Soul Mate

Warren Farrell, who will lead Role Mate to Soul Mate: The Art and Discipline of Love this summer and again this fall, shares the biological reasons behind conflict, the evolutionary shift of his “Caring and Sharing” practice, and how he has transformed relationships for over 30 years. “Over time, couples tell me that what once provoked anxiety becomes a cherished opportunity for intimacy,” says Farrell.

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Have you ever felt misunderstood or emotionally distant from the person you love most — even when they're right next to you? Imagine transforming criticism from a source of tension into a powerful tool for connection. Picture an evening where your heart feels calm instead of tense and your partner's words bring closeness rather than conflict. Imagine a relationship where each critique deepens your love rather than pushes you apart.

And then, imagine taking that feeling and submerging into the hot tubs at Esalen, listening to the waves splashing against the cliffs below while you look at the vast and expansive night sky above. Ah, you spot a shooting star. It feels like the perfect metaphor!

When I began teaching couples’ courses around the country and at Esalen some 30 years ago, I emphasized the wisdom of hearing criticism without being defensive. Everyone concurred. Yet, when the participants got home, many reported that as soon as a criticism appeared, that wisdom disappeared. I realized that historically, when we heard criticism, we sensed a potential enemy, and therefore, building defenses became biologically natural — it was functional for survival. However, it is dysfunctional for love. This implied the need for an evolutionary shift.

To do this, I developed a “Caring and Sharing” practice. Each partner chooses one concern or criticism to share with their loved one each week. Then, their loved one first prepares themselves to associate the criticism with an opportunity to deepen their love rather than to prepare a defense.

They do this by altering their naturally defensive mindset by saying to themselves and to their partner six mindsets, including the “Love Guarantee”: “The more I create a safe environment for you to say whatever you wish, whether I agree or disagree, the more you will feel emotionally secure with me. And therefore, you will feel both more loved by me, and more love for me.”

Over time, couples tell me that what once provoked anxiety becomes a cherished opportunity for intimacy. Anastasia and Andreas Waschk, creators of the Harry Potter exhibition, Harry Potter: Visions of Magic, shared their experience: “It doesn’t happen often that you take a weekend workshop and nearly ten years later, it still influences your marriage. The learnings from the workshop are so fundamental that we use them not only in our marriage but with our kids and even at work.”

But how can couples feel safe outside of their weekly two-hour practice? I work with the couples on how to create a “Conflict-Free Zone” the remaining 166 hours of the week. This involves six methods that the couples practice to prevent those perceived criticisms that arise during the week from escalating into conflicts — for transformative results. Therese Brady describes the transformative impact this approach had on her marriage and family life. “My marriage and the love I feel for Ron is so much deeper and stronger! Knowing Ron would die for me makes it easy to truly hear him. This workshop saved my marriage and changed me as a person,” said Brady.

I introduce each couple to a process called “panning for your partner’s gold.” It is a method of “filling the reservoir of love.” Without a full reservoir of love, there is little motivation to do the hard work of the Caring and Sharing practice. The approach starts with the discipline of appreciating your partner not only spontaneously, but, say, for about 15 minutes at dinner every Wednesday. The couples learn to share this appreciation at five levels of specificity. In addition to “I appreciate that you are a good cook,” they add, “I like the way you make the skin on the chicken so crisp,” or “How do you do that even as you keep the chicken itself so moist?” 

This couples’ course is not just for romantic couples. A.G., a family therapist, attended my workshop seeking solutions for strained communication with her teenage son. “I was amazed at how effectively Warren guided us. Later that evening, when tension arose, my son quickly applied the techniques, averting a family fight. It’s the best single thing we’ve done to improve our relationships — more effective than years of family therapy,” she shared.

Mastering the ability to associate personal criticism with an opportunity to be more deeply loved proves to be of equal value to women, men, and everyone of all orientations or gender identities. This process leaves no one feeling right or wrong but rather, everyone feeling seen and heard.

In this politically divided world, I also teach couples to roleplay someone in their family they disagree with politically. They learn how to show respect for the best intent of their family member’s opposing views. This is a part of the Role Mate to Soul Mate book I cherish. It is called “From Civil War to Civil Dialogue.”

There are few things that touch my heart more than hearing from a couple that has already filed for divorce that they will withdraw the filing tomorrow. I relish the feeling of overwhelming love in the room after a workshop. I am inspired by the couples with children who learn as they communicate better with each other that they are modeling one of the greatest gifts they can give their children: the skills of great communication.