When two people reveal who they really are — their authentic selves, not just their curated and perfected versions — there is possibility and open space for a soul connection. When we show our essences, our scars, our bruises, and share our histories — all of our Self — a deeper bond can rise up to the surface, and the potential for a soul connection increases exponentially. By accessing and embracing the parts of us that we often keep hidden, we can create the foundation for a connection that goes beyond surface-level interaction.
This process is not about perfection but about truth — about revealing the parts of the soul that are ready to connect with another on a level that transcends the superficial. Through the practice of vulnerability and authenticity, it’s possible to be truly seen and accepted, fostering connections that are rooted in genuine understanding and mutual respect. This is where real intimacy begins, and this is the space where a soul connection can truly flourish.
Intimacy is an exchange of our most authentic selves in the present moment. It's a journey marked by emotional transparency and the courage to venture into the unknown. It isn’t anchored in the past or fixated on the future; at times, it can be a balm of comfort, others a sting of pain. It is expressing boundaries to stop hurtful behavior, sharing our dreams and desires, resolving conflict, and letting someone see us without our armor. Intimacy invites us to shed our protective layers - bruises, scars, fears, and walls included.
When we pursue someone only because of their superficial qualities, we are only accessing a representation of who is really there. When we lead with superficial qualities and do not let someone see who we really are, we are only offering a fraction of ourselves. This kind of connection is fickle because that level of “perfection” cannot be maintained forever. The aging process runs interference. When we accept that and work with soul connection vs ego connection, much more opportunity unfolds.
For those deemed attractive, outward appearance is often a quality that has been validated or rewarded from their earliest years. Someone who is constantly told as a child that they are pretty might use their physical appearance as the main attribute they rely on to gain romantic interest. They might spend a lot of time and energy on physical perfection and hold themselves to impossible standards of beauty; because they’ve put so much of their value in looks, they may have dedicated less time to developing other aspects of themselves, such as emotional intelligence, personal interests, or intellectual or spiritual growth. This can lead to a lopsided self-identity where they feel incomplete or insecure if their appearance is not constantly validated.
Alternatively, parents who prioritize their kid’s achievements and grades above all else can produce a child who grows up to believe that success gives them inherent value. With that belief, they try to impress others with their accomplishments to emphasize their importance.
Both strategies are unbalanced. They might work well at sparking initial interest and help open the door, but they cannot grow the connection into a deeper bond because these surface-level exchanges are what I call “ego transactions.”
Moving beyond our superficial connections for deeper, soul-level connections grounded in authenticity and vulnerability can be achieved by:
With scientifically-backed tools, we can begin to peel away the layers of ego that often drive initial attraction, revealing our true self — scars, history, and all. When we make the space and take the time to focus on nurturing genuine bonds through effective communication, empathetic understanding, and the dismantling of limiting beliefs about love, we are better equipped to create connections built on a shared journey of growth.
While people can always out-ego you, they’re not going to be able to out-soul you.
This is not a call to reveal all the childhood trauma right away, nor an endorsement of the idea of a one-and-only soulmate (hint: it’s a myth). Only a reminder that for someone to create a bond that goes beyond superficial attraction, we need to reveal more than the one aspect that opened the door. Rapport, trust, and bonding are all part of a dance that happens through time and experience with someone, and it requires gradually letting someone see the other parts of ourselves.
“Remembering to be as self compassionate as I can and praying to the divine that we're all a part of.”
–Aaron
“Prayer, reading, meditation, walking.”
–Karen
“Erratically — which is an ongoing stream of practice to find peace.”
–Charles
“Try on a daily basis to be kind to myself and to realize that making mistakes is a part of the human condition. Learning from our mistakes is a journey. But it starts with compassion and caring. First for oneself.”
–Steve
“Physically: aerobic exercise, volleyball, ice hockey, cycling, sailing. Emotionally: unfortunately I have to work to ‘not care’ about people or situations which may end painfully. Along the lines of ‘attachment is the source of suffering’, so best to avoid it or limit its scope. Sad though because it could also be the source of great joy. Is it worth the risk?“
–Rainer
“It's time for my heart to be nurtured on one level yet contained on another. To go easy on me and to allow my feelings to be validated, not judged harshly. On the other hand, to let the heart rule with equanimity and not lead the mind and body around like a master.”
–Suzanne
“I spend time thinking of everything I am grateful for, and I try to develop my ability to express compassion for myself and others without reservation. I take time to do the things I need to do to keep myself healthy and happy. This includes taking experiential workshops, fostering relationships, and participating within groups which have a similar interest to become a more compassionate and fulfilled being.“
–Peter
“Self-forgiveness for my own judgments. And oh yeah, coming to Esalen.”
–David B.
“Hmm, this is a tough one! I guess I take care of my heart through fostering relationships with people I feel connected to. Spending quality time with them (whether we're on the phone, through messages/letters, on Zoom, or in-person). Being there for them, listening to them, sharing what's going on with me, my struggles and my successes... like we do in the Esalen weekly Friends of Esalen Zoom sessions!”
–Lori
“I remind myself in many ways of the fact that " Love is all there is!" LOVE is the prize and this one precious life is the stage we get to learn our lessons. I get out into nature, hike, camp, river kayak, fly fish, garden, I create, I dance (not enough!), and I remain grateful for each day, each breath, each moment. Being in the moment, awake, and remembering the gift of life and my feeling of gratitude for all of creation.”
–Steven
“My physical heart by limiting stress and eating a heart-healthy diet. My emotional heart by staying in love with the world and by knowing that all disappointment and loss will pass.“
–David Z.
Today, September 29, is World Heart Day. Strike up a conversation with your own heart and as you feel comfortable, encourage others to do the same. As part of our own transformations and self-care, we sometimes ask for others to illuminate and enliven our hearts or speak our love language.
What if we could do this for ourselves too, even if just for today… or to start a heart practice, forever?
Surrender your ego for a soul connection! Join Amy Chan when she comes to Esalen to lead for her first time on November 4–8, 2024 with her workshop, Pathways to Partnership: Scientific Strategies for Healthy Relationships.
Amy Chan is a scientific and spiritual relationship expert who is the founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp and author of Breakup Bootcamp: The Science of Rewiring Your Heart.
When two people reveal who they really are — their authentic selves, not just their curated and perfected versions — there is possibility and open space for a soul connection. When we show our essences, our scars, our bruises, and share our histories — all of our Self — a deeper bond can rise up to the surface, and the potential for a soul connection increases exponentially. By accessing and embracing the parts of us that we often keep hidden, we can create the foundation for a connection that goes beyond surface-level interaction.
This process is not about perfection but about truth — about revealing the parts of the soul that are ready to connect with another on a level that transcends the superficial. Through the practice of vulnerability and authenticity, it’s possible to be truly seen and accepted, fostering connections that are rooted in genuine understanding and mutual respect. This is where real intimacy begins, and this is the space where a soul connection can truly flourish.
Intimacy is an exchange of our most authentic selves in the present moment. It's a journey marked by emotional transparency and the courage to venture into the unknown. It isn’t anchored in the past or fixated on the future; at times, it can be a balm of comfort, others a sting of pain. It is expressing boundaries to stop hurtful behavior, sharing our dreams and desires, resolving conflict, and letting someone see us without our armor. Intimacy invites us to shed our protective layers - bruises, scars, fears, and walls included.
When we pursue someone only because of their superficial qualities, we are only accessing a representation of who is really there. When we lead with superficial qualities and do not let someone see who we really are, we are only offering a fraction of ourselves. This kind of connection is fickle because that level of “perfection” cannot be maintained forever. The aging process runs interference. When we accept that and work with soul connection vs ego connection, much more opportunity unfolds.
For those deemed attractive, outward appearance is often a quality that has been validated or rewarded from their earliest years. Someone who is constantly told as a child that they are pretty might use their physical appearance as the main attribute they rely on to gain romantic interest. They might spend a lot of time and energy on physical perfection and hold themselves to impossible standards of beauty; because they’ve put so much of their value in looks, they may have dedicated less time to developing other aspects of themselves, such as emotional intelligence, personal interests, or intellectual or spiritual growth. This can lead to a lopsided self-identity where they feel incomplete or insecure if their appearance is not constantly validated.
Alternatively, parents who prioritize their kid’s achievements and grades above all else can produce a child who grows up to believe that success gives them inherent value. With that belief, they try to impress others with their accomplishments to emphasize their importance.
Both strategies are unbalanced. They might work well at sparking initial interest and help open the door, but they cannot grow the connection into a deeper bond because these surface-level exchanges are what I call “ego transactions.”
Moving beyond our superficial connections for deeper, soul-level connections grounded in authenticity and vulnerability can be achieved by:
With scientifically-backed tools, we can begin to peel away the layers of ego that often drive initial attraction, revealing our true self — scars, history, and all. When we make the space and take the time to focus on nurturing genuine bonds through effective communication, empathetic understanding, and the dismantling of limiting beliefs about love, we are better equipped to create connections built on a shared journey of growth.
While people can always out-ego you, they’re not going to be able to out-soul you.
This is not a call to reveal all the childhood trauma right away, nor an endorsement of the idea of a one-and-only soulmate (hint: it’s a myth). Only a reminder that for someone to create a bond that goes beyond superficial attraction, we need to reveal more than the one aspect that opened the door. Rapport, trust, and bonding are all part of a dance that happens through time and experience with someone, and it requires gradually letting someone see the other parts of ourselves.
“Remembering to be as self compassionate as I can and praying to the divine that we're all a part of.”
–Aaron
“Prayer, reading, meditation, walking.”
–Karen
“Erratically — which is an ongoing stream of practice to find peace.”
–Charles
“Try on a daily basis to be kind to myself and to realize that making mistakes is a part of the human condition. Learning from our mistakes is a journey. But it starts with compassion and caring. First for oneself.”
–Steve
“Physically: aerobic exercise, volleyball, ice hockey, cycling, sailing. Emotionally: unfortunately I have to work to ‘not care’ about people or situations which may end painfully. Along the lines of ‘attachment is the source of suffering’, so best to avoid it or limit its scope. Sad though because it could also be the source of great joy. Is it worth the risk?“
–Rainer
“It's time for my heart to be nurtured on one level yet contained on another. To go easy on me and to allow my feelings to be validated, not judged harshly. On the other hand, to let the heart rule with equanimity and not lead the mind and body around like a master.”
–Suzanne
“I spend time thinking of everything I am grateful for, and I try to develop my ability to express compassion for myself and others without reservation. I take time to do the things I need to do to keep myself healthy and happy. This includes taking experiential workshops, fostering relationships, and participating within groups which have a similar interest to become a more compassionate and fulfilled being.“
–Peter
“Self-forgiveness for my own judgments. And oh yeah, coming to Esalen.”
–David B.
“Hmm, this is a tough one! I guess I take care of my heart through fostering relationships with people I feel connected to. Spending quality time with them (whether we're on the phone, through messages/letters, on Zoom, or in-person). Being there for them, listening to them, sharing what's going on with me, my struggles and my successes... like we do in the Esalen weekly Friends of Esalen Zoom sessions!”
–Lori
“I remind myself in many ways of the fact that " Love is all there is!" LOVE is the prize and this one precious life is the stage we get to learn our lessons. I get out into nature, hike, camp, river kayak, fly fish, garden, I create, I dance (not enough!), and I remain grateful for each day, each breath, each moment. Being in the moment, awake, and remembering the gift of life and my feeling of gratitude for all of creation.”
–Steven
“My physical heart by limiting stress and eating a heart-healthy diet. My emotional heart by staying in love with the world and by knowing that all disappointment and loss will pass.“
–David Z.
Today, September 29, is World Heart Day. Strike up a conversation with your own heart and as you feel comfortable, encourage others to do the same. As part of our own transformations and self-care, we sometimes ask for others to illuminate and enliven our hearts or speak our love language.
What if we could do this for ourselves too, even if just for today… or to start a heart practice, forever?
Surrender your ego for a soul connection! Join Amy Chan when she comes to Esalen to lead for her first time on November 4–8, 2024 with her workshop, Pathways to Partnership: Scientific Strategies for Healthy Relationships.
Amy Chan is a scientific and spiritual relationship expert who is the founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp and author of Breakup Bootcamp: The Science of Rewiring Your Heart.
When two people reveal who they really are — their authentic selves, not just their curated and perfected versions — there is possibility and open space for a soul connection. When we show our essences, our scars, our bruises, and share our histories — all of our Self — a deeper bond can rise up to the surface, and the potential for a soul connection increases exponentially. By accessing and embracing the parts of us that we often keep hidden, we can create the foundation for a connection that goes beyond surface-level interaction.
This process is not about perfection but about truth — about revealing the parts of the soul that are ready to connect with another on a level that transcends the superficial. Through the practice of vulnerability and authenticity, it’s possible to be truly seen and accepted, fostering connections that are rooted in genuine understanding and mutual respect. This is where real intimacy begins, and this is the space where a soul connection can truly flourish.
Intimacy is an exchange of our most authentic selves in the present moment. It's a journey marked by emotional transparency and the courage to venture into the unknown. It isn’t anchored in the past or fixated on the future; at times, it can be a balm of comfort, others a sting of pain. It is expressing boundaries to stop hurtful behavior, sharing our dreams and desires, resolving conflict, and letting someone see us without our armor. Intimacy invites us to shed our protective layers - bruises, scars, fears, and walls included.
When we pursue someone only because of their superficial qualities, we are only accessing a representation of who is really there. When we lead with superficial qualities and do not let someone see who we really are, we are only offering a fraction of ourselves. This kind of connection is fickle because that level of “perfection” cannot be maintained forever. The aging process runs interference. When we accept that and work with soul connection vs ego connection, much more opportunity unfolds.
For those deemed attractive, outward appearance is often a quality that has been validated or rewarded from their earliest years. Someone who is constantly told as a child that they are pretty might use their physical appearance as the main attribute they rely on to gain romantic interest. They might spend a lot of time and energy on physical perfection and hold themselves to impossible standards of beauty; because they’ve put so much of their value in looks, they may have dedicated less time to developing other aspects of themselves, such as emotional intelligence, personal interests, or intellectual or spiritual growth. This can lead to a lopsided self-identity where they feel incomplete or insecure if their appearance is not constantly validated.
Alternatively, parents who prioritize their kid’s achievements and grades above all else can produce a child who grows up to believe that success gives them inherent value. With that belief, they try to impress others with their accomplishments to emphasize their importance.
Both strategies are unbalanced. They might work well at sparking initial interest and help open the door, but they cannot grow the connection into a deeper bond because these surface-level exchanges are what I call “ego transactions.”
Moving beyond our superficial connections for deeper, soul-level connections grounded in authenticity and vulnerability can be achieved by:
With scientifically-backed tools, we can begin to peel away the layers of ego that often drive initial attraction, revealing our true self — scars, history, and all. When we make the space and take the time to focus on nurturing genuine bonds through effective communication, empathetic understanding, and the dismantling of limiting beliefs about love, we are better equipped to create connections built on a shared journey of growth.
While people can always out-ego you, they’re not going to be able to out-soul you.
This is not a call to reveal all the childhood trauma right away, nor an endorsement of the idea of a one-and-only soulmate (hint: it’s a myth). Only a reminder that for someone to create a bond that goes beyond superficial attraction, we need to reveal more than the one aspect that opened the door. Rapport, trust, and bonding are all part of a dance that happens through time and experience with someone, and it requires gradually letting someone see the other parts of ourselves.
“Remembering to be as self compassionate as I can and praying to the divine that we're all a part of.”
–Aaron
“Prayer, reading, meditation, walking.”
–Karen
“Erratically — which is an ongoing stream of practice to find peace.”
–Charles
“Try on a daily basis to be kind to myself and to realize that making mistakes is a part of the human condition. Learning from our mistakes is a journey. But it starts with compassion and caring. First for oneself.”
–Steve
“Physically: aerobic exercise, volleyball, ice hockey, cycling, sailing. Emotionally: unfortunately I have to work to ‘not care’ about people or situations which may end painfully. Along the lines of ‘attachment is the source of suffering’, so best to avoid it or limit its scope. Sad though because it could also be the source of great joy. Is it worth the risk?“
–Rainer
“It's time for my heart to be nurtured on one level yet contained on another. To go easy on me and to allow my feelings to be validated, not judged harshly. On the other hand, to let the heart rule with equanimity and not lead the mind and body around like a master.”
–Suzanne
“I spend time thinking of everything I am grateful for, and I try to develop my ability to express compassion for myself and others without reservation. I take time to do the things I need to do to keep myself healthy and happy. This includes taking experiential workshops, fostering relationships, and participating within groups which have a similar interest to become a more compassionate and fulfilled being.“
–Peter
“Self-forgiveness for my own judgments. And oh yeah, coming to Esalen.”
–David B.
“Hmm, this is a tough one! I guess I take care of my heart through fostering relationships with people I feel connected to. Spending quality time with them (whether we're on the phone, through messages/letters, on Zoom, or in-person). Being there for them, listening to them, sharing what's going on with me, my struggles and my successes... like we do in the Esalen weekly Friends of Esalen Zoom sessions!”
–Lori
“I remind myself in many ways of the fact that " Love is all there is!" LOVE is the prize and this one precious life is the stage we get to learn our lessons. I get out into nature, hike, camp, river kayak, fly fish, garden, I create, I dance (not enough!), and I remain grateful for each day, each breath, each moment. Being in the moment, awake, and remembering the gift of life and my feeling of gratitude for all of creation.”
–Steven
“My physical heart by limiting stress and eating a heart-healthy diet. My emotional heart by staying in love with the world and by knowing that all disappointment and loss will pass.“
–David Z.
Today, September 29, is World Heart Day. Strike up a conversation with your own heart and as you feel comfortable, encourage others to do the same. As part of our own transformations and self-care, we sometimes ask for others to illuminate and enliven our hearts or speak our love language.
What if we could do this for ourselves too, even if just for today… or to start a heart practice, forever?
Surrender your ego for a soul connection! Join Amy Chan when she comes to Esalen to lead for her first time on November 4–8, 2024 with her workshop, Pathways to Partnership: Scientific Strategies for Healthy Relationships.
Amy Chan is a scientific and spiritual relationship expert who is the founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp and author of Breakup Bootcamp: The Science of Rewiring Your Heart.
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info@esalen.org
